Ricardo Welkin

Great Shitstorm II and More: A Summary March 8-9, 2019

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it”. In spite of their hopes for peace, Jonas Gunpowder, refusing to learn anything that hindered his extremist views, wreaked havoc on the innocent populace for a second time. Out of the ashes of chaos came forth a new organization bent on restoring order, peace and masturbation to the citizens of ゴブリンスレイヤー, as well as what ゴブリンスレイヤー’s call “The Better One”. The First Shitstorm had left approximately three to five hours of property damage and the loss of the rioter historians commonly dub “Skelly”. Relations between the populace became strained with hostility. The Sauce Province was riddled with the scars of battle. Fortunately, because of the battle, production of sauce increased to feed the hungry, and researchers had newfound motivation to help those in need. The populace thought that after what happened in the First Shitstorm, society within ゴブリンスレイヤー would return to normal. However, there is a reason why historians labelled the tragedy as the First Shitstorm.

War criminal Jonas Gunpowder, bitter over his inability to comprehend basic literature invaded the Sauce Province with his newly constructed Devastating Urinating Musk Beam, attacking ゴブリンスレイヤー’s intellectuals who either weren’t a member of his radical ideology or delivered products he deemed “unethical”. In an attempt to rationalize his extremist views, Gunpowder introduced a document titled “The Code of the Furries”, which he claimed to have preceded autism and other forms of mental illness (his sources, according to several research agencies have been deemed unreliable). With Gunpowder attempting to justify his behavior by revealing his hobby of collecting fingernails, turmoil in the province escalated. Weaponized communication was used between Gunpowder and civilians, but the latter also hastily produced more sauce to suppress Gunpowder's offense. This conflict would last for significantly large amounts of time in the Sauce and Extra Provinces resulting in a vast number of property damage. Tired of the constant battling, the civilians turned to the administration for help with a proposal to ban his work from the Sauce Province.

Despite the blatant fact that several battles took place across different provinces of ゴブリンスレイヤー, the president shut down the proposal, claiming that other people did the same thing and there was no noticeable turmoil to begin with. This allowed a subsequent period of rioting and chaos to unfold again, forcing the same minister from the First Shitstorm to suggest wearing a blindfold whenever Gunpowder was around until the president could come up with another solution. Unsurprisingly, immediately after Mankosureiyā asked the populace which field of science to research, Gunpowder was able to instigate another confrontation. The populace called him out for starting another riot, to which Gunpowder blamed toward them for rejecting his radical policy. A brief moment of bliss came in the form of The Cult of Barney, which managed to suppress Gunpowder's propaganda for a time and enabled what many speculate to be an alternate counterpart of Gunpowder to appear; to their joy, he did not share the same ideology as the furry advocate.

Another significant battle enraged in the Extra Province. Much later, Mankosureiyā and the alternate Gunpowder made an attempt to assist Gunpowder with his manifesto once more, but much like what happened in the First Shitstorm, the furry deemed their points invalid and tried forcing them to write it for him; when that didn't work, Gunpowder turned away all assistance by claiming he never wanted them to say anything. Some time passed, and Gunpowder attempted to best Mankosureiyā in the language of the People of the Rising Sun; with Mankosureiyā's experience in the language against Gunpowder's hazy memory, it was an immediate loss for the war criminal. He proclaimed that apologizing was a form of weakness, further cementing his already poor reputation among the populace.

Ultimately, the only events that benefited the ゴブリンスレイヤー populace were the founding of The Cult of Barney, the appearance of the alternate Gunpowder and the rapid increase in sauce production (which managed to suppress Gunpowder's tainted product to a minimum). But after hours of combat, the cult was vanquished by the disease and unsanitary practices Gunpowder used against them. With the fact that intervention from the administration on behalf of the populace is unlikely and the unchangeable fact that Gunpowder will admit no wrongdoing, it is only a matter of time before the Third Shitstorm occurs again.

Great Shitstorm III: The Short Victory March 13-15, 2019

The First Shitstorm was initially thought by civilians as the only one to occur in the nation of ゴブリンスレイヤー. Their hopes were dashed with a Second, but the populace still prayed another one would not occur. Gunpowder proved persistent in both battles, and managed to put up a fight against the populace; it would seem like his ideology would conquer the land in a war of attrition. Efforts to prevent this from happening resulted in another Shitstorm, but localized to the Sauce Province and the Isolated Territory. The outcome would prove much different than the previous battles, but ultimately, the administration’s susceptibility to bribery won the day for Gunpowder once again.

On March 13, 2019, Gunpowder once again requested for help with spreading his ideology to the People of the Rising Sun. In hopes of inhibiting his tendency to invite violence, two civilians volunteered as his advisers. Because the motive was to prevent another Shitstorm, more people offered input; unsurprisingly, as was with the First Shitstorm, Gunpowder refused their input and made his subsequent “Speech of Hubris”, in which he declared his ideas would reach a worldwide audience. Both the ministry and residents of ゴブリンスレイヤー advised his plans were too ambitious, which Gunpowder dismissed. This would later contribute to the outbreak of GSS III.

Unlike GSS I and GSS II, the battle was sparked by Gunpowder not by spreading his ideology, but by attempting to annex the Sauce Province's production on March 14, 2019. In a surprise move, Gunpowder was able to read the situation; he acknowledged himself as a brutal war criminal and after making concessions with the populace, attempted to win their sympathy and call a ceasefire in an attempt to get the people to review his manifesto. However, after stating what many historians reported to be “So now.....I'll be nice and treat humans and woman the same way…”, his request was denied. This was because one, the fact that this acknowledgement was just a ruse to gain support, two, due to the amount if property damage caused by him during the previous Shitstorms, three, the people knew he wasn't going to regard their input  and four, since the attempted coercing of the population to read his manifesto contributed to the outbreak of the first two Shitstorms, nobody wanted further involvement. Additionally, this statement revealed to the populace Gunpowder's misogyny, which would later spark another cause of the Third Shitstorm.

More background information is needed to fully grasp what happened next. The product of the Sauce Province consisted of both masculine and feminine product; though feminine product was featured more prominently, consumers of both were nonetheless satisfied. Being an infamous figure of misogyny and animal abuse, this was in direct opposition to Gunpowder's Manifesto. As a result, this led to a minor outbreak in the Sauce Province which ended in a stalemate for both belligerents; however, what transpired during the conflict would come back to bite Gunpowder later in the Third Shitstorm.

A lone soldier fired at Gunpowder by pointing out his prejudice against all feminine product, which gained the attention of the President R.C. and his Ministry. More belligerents arrived at the Isolated Territory to do battle with the war criminal and brought with them ammunition to combat his resentment toward the opposite sex. What was once a minor conflict raged into an all-out war once an informant pointed out a section of his Manifesto labelling both Russians and the Russian language as homophobic. With the heavily-armed President provoked, The Isolated Territory quickly became littered with craters from explosive communication exchanged by both sides, and once again, property was damaged to an excessive degree. This time, Gunpowder's once formidable strategies began faltering. When he used would later be dubbed “The Incoherent Justification” to back up his racial offensive against Russia, multiple discrepancies were found in his statement. His ammunition was running out and all relief for him had been cut off. With Gunpowder unable to act, the President initially decided to leave the battered warlord like in the Second Shitstorm, briefly angering the men who fought alongside him. The President then decided what Gunpowder had done was too extreme even for extradition to the nation of ゴブリン, and on 8:02 PM PST, he crippled the warlord with a single swing of his Divine Hammer. Execution with the Divine Hammer was not one of the President's preferable options, but nevertheless the nation of ゴブリンスレイヤー rejoiced their liberation from Gunpowder's influence. With the instigator of the Shitstorms disabled, the ゴブリンスレイヤー were free to enjoy their lives and sauce without the fear or Gunpowder's violence, something which has not been seen in several months. A large party was held to commemorate the victory and action taken by the administration, as well as remember the losses of members resulting from Gunpowder's invasions.

Unfortunately, this peace lasted little over a day. One civilian's encouragement of exploitation of the crippled convict led to Gunpowder bribing his way to recovery, a free revision of his manifesto by one of the Sauce Province researchers and an invitation back into ゴブリンスレイヤー. Understandably, the populace was unsatisfied with the decision, despite the promises made to execute him if he attempted a repeat of his war crimes involving racial and sexual prejudice.

The Third Shitstorm briefly ended in a victory for ゴブリンスレイヤー, but was ultimately in vain due to the encouragement of bribery by one member of the populace. Though the high administration attempted to keep a pretense of peace and prosperity, the populace knew all too well that with Gunpowder back, the possibility of a Fourth Shitstorm turned from a simple fear into an all too real certainty; the day after the great battle, a shitstorm that wasn’t as intense occurred, in which Gunpowder refused to comply with a set of conditions introduced by Mankosureiyā as well as another soldier named Locke. The skirmish ended with Gunpowder being extradited to the country of ゴブリン, but was brought back a few hours afterward after the administration judged that their demands bordered on the extreme side. With another confrontation igniting less than twenty-four hours after Gunpowder’s admission back into ゴブリンスレイヤー, it is only a matter of time until a Great Shitstorm IV will ignite.

Great Shitstorm IV: The Event Horizon March 23-25, 2019

The only certainties in life are death and taxes, but for the citizens ゴブリンスレイヤー, great shitstorms were added to that list whenever war criminal Jonas Gunpowder was around. Over the course of one month, Gunpowder instigated a total of three Great Shitstorms; the first fueled by his extremist gospel and sparked by the Unholy Dakimakura, the second with his rejection of pure product and forced labor for his manifesto and the third fueled by his racial ideology and misogyny, which was later sparked by his attempted annexation of the Sauce Province’s production. Multiple skirmishes ignited between the populace and Gunpowder, which unsurprisingly led to a fourth Great Shitstorm, but unlike the rest, it resulted in a well-deserved victory for the nation of ゴブリンスレイヤー.

Before the Shitstorm happened, several battles occured. On March 23, around a week after the end of GSS III, Gunpowder, who was in the Isolated Territory overheard a joke about assassinating the president. However, instead of regarding it as a joke, he figured the remark was something the individual would actually attempt and promptly went to the capital to alert President R.C of the potential threat. This would ignite the battle titled “The Battle Over Idiocy”, in which the populace, administration and the President had to explain the joke and present multiple reasons as to why the assassination would be impossible. Hours later, Gunpowder sparked another battle by associating prominent mythological figures and various media with furries, earning well-deserved backlash in the process. These battles did not directly lead to the fourth Shitstorm itself, but they helped to add more tension between the already strained relations between Gunpowder and the populace.

One of Merriam-Webster’s definitions for the word “prejudice” is “an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics.” Gunpowder has demonstrated this quality throughout the three previous Shitstorms, which has resulted in temporary banishment to ゴブリン a total of four times and him being crippled in GSS III. Refusing to fix his prejudicial views while under strict conditions on his re-entry into the nation of ゴブリンスレイヤー was what would ultimately spark the fourth Shitstorm.

Between late March 24 and early March 25, a new citizen of ゴブリンスレイヤー went to the capital to research the mannerisms of Jonas Gunpowder. Mankosureiyā and an individual many scholars refer to as “Phil” gave him documents and an in-depth introduction as to who Gunpowder was and the many war crimes he commited, escorting him to the Isolated Territory to access more archives. Unfortunately for the three of them, Gunpowder monitored the entire conversation and invaded their location at the Isolated Territory to convince the newcomer otherwise. The new citizen, willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, suggested that he admit to having any imperfections or mental disorders Gunpowder may have had, the latter backed up by one of Mankosureiyā’s documents. This seemed to play out like one of the usual minor skirmishes like on March 23.

In a shocking turn of events however, when the citizen admitted to having a form of autism, Gunpowder drew out weaponized communication and fired upon them, declaring that the mentally ill were “defects who would never improve” and that he stood on top of them. Provoked, the soldiers and the citizen fired back, calling him out for his arrogance and sheer lack of humility and conscience. Though the President was busy with important affairs, the two soldiers sent word to the administration of the chaos, much to Gunpowder’s anger. The violence and destruction was on a calibre on par with GSS I, but was luckily localized entirely within the Isolated Territory. Beaten and wounded, Gunpowder, while retreating, threatened the three not to execute him before he came back with more weaponized communication. Hours later, President R.C. received Mankosureiyā’s message and deciding that Gunpowder utterly broke the conditions they had set for him, the President executed the war criminal with his Divine Hammer. The nation of ゴブリンスレイヤー had won, but one of its citizens, enraged with Gunpowder’s moral standing, had left the country.

With Gunpowder breaking his terms of reentry into ゴブリンスレイヤー, the administration declared no amount of money would bring coerce them to bring Gunpowder back to life. Mankosureiyā along as two other soldiers, continue to fight Gunpowder in the D.M. Realm, which entertains the citizens of ゴブリンスレイヤー. The certainty of another Shitstorm had been reduced to a bad thought, if not an impossibility with the death of Jonas Gunpowder. As with the previous three Shitstorms, the ever-defiant Gunpowder, now in the D.M. Realm, has insisted no wrongdoing, even labelling President R.C as an “offender” for not having executed him on his own terms. Nevertheless, Jonas Gunpowder’s comeuppance has allowed the populace can enjoy conversations, share media as well as consume the Sauce Province’s product without the fear of Gunpowder tainting them with his ideals and instigating shitstorms in the process. It will ultimately enable what the people of ゴブリンスレイヤー have wanted since the moment Gunpowder came to haunt them; peace.